He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
this is an emotional support booty call
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
