dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
