You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize