8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
