Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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