He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
