i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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