mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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