This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
