Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
