I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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