How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
