I seem to have left my pride at pride
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
