Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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