my phone needs a breathalizer
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
