Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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