I heard we made out
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
