Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
