So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
