hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize