Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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