Your favorite bartender is back from prision
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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