the condom got lost in my hair
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
