We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
