you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
