I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
