she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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