Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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