she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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