so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
