Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize