Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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