Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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