I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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