you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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