Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
