So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
