I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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