am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
