if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Randomize
