I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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