OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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