dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
