I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
