Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
