i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
