I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
