Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just gift wrapped bread.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize