In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
