So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just found a bag of teeth...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
