Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
