Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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