mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you win again, gameday.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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