There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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