I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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