I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
