She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
