Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
