worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
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