Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Blood and glitter go together right?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize