I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
