I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
