the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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